May 3, 2009


I really can't say anything beyond this...

It absolutely amazes me that some people have survived to live this long driving the way they do. I mean, if NOT for the driving itself...just for being as stupid as I am convinced Houston drivers are. Talk about short bus.

April 29, 2009

Urkel and the Pursuit of Rubik

So, I came into work a couple of weeks ago and we had a new guy at the front desk. He seems like a really great guy, well-mannered, well-dressed, and always friendly. He just had a new baby girl too, so he is putting on a good front...I know from experience the boy is wore out! Anyway, there's just something about him that is absolutely STRANGE. First of all, he carries a backpack with him and THIS is always in a side pocket of it:

No big deal, you say? I think it's just weird. Have these things made a comeback at some point since they were all the rage back in the early 80's? And, I've seen him working it on his breaks too...who the hell takes a break to try and solve a Rubik's Cube? Maybe he just saw "Pursuit of Happyness" and thought it'd be cool to make a good impression on the bosses or something. They aren't watching though, so he could totally peel the stickers off or break it apart and put them all back together in the proper place and no one would ever figure out that he cheated! Moron...

Another thing is he is the most non-ethnic black guy I've met since Artimus, back in the day...the "day" being the Army. Art spent his Friday and Saturday nights at a Techno club dancing with about as much rhythm as Vince Vaughn on acid. I'm assuming that would be quite hilarious to watch, actually...and so was Art when he was dancing. Last time I heard from him, he was in Japan teaching English to 8th-9th grade Japanese girls. I digress a lot, don't I?

Anyway, I can totally imagine this dude hanging out with Art and both of them talking in a perfect "white" voice like you hear just about ANY decent black comedian imitate. "Hey there, guy! How are you this fine evening?" That sort of thing...nothing wrong with it, it's just different and well, STRANGE. When I stop by to introduce myself to someone and/or meet them, I'm not expecting to hear from Steve Urkel. That's with ANYONE but especially not from a black guy...that's what made Urkel's character so damn funny in the first place.

This guy's also one of those that seems overly nosey. He'll walk by my office while I'm eating lunch, stop to stick his head in, and ask me what I'm eating. I'm eating raw monkey brains, man...what do you care? Or, he stopped me as I came in one morning because he wanted to know what book I was carrying and what it was about. I guess you could say he's just being nice or friendly or some shit...but what's this world coming to when co-workers want to be nice to you?!

April 24, 2009


You know...I've got some Spanish-speaking friends who actually have had to TAKE Spanish courses for credit in college. Some speak quite fluently but almost all of them need to hone up on their skills in the reading and writing department...seems those little, fucking accents and silent letters annoy the shit out of more people than just mi. However, I DO think it is a bit unfair. I mean, to get a History degree, or any OTHER degree in the liberal arts it seems, you have to have two sophomore-level language courses. ¡Lechón del polla!

Well, why the hell don't they offer me English? Sure, there are English entire college department with the title ENGLISH right across the damn buildings and their own link on the school website. But, seems like there are no plain old "English" courses available beyond say, the 9th grade of high school. Most people I know, myself at the forefront of this group, don't even know how to diagram a sentence in my own fucking language, much less do so in someone ELSE'S language. So, why not offer English to those of us who need it/want it/or would just really like a somewhat easy pass (A's) through the requirement.

My friends tell me, "Oh, it's hard for US to take the Spanish course too!" I call bullshit. Come on, you can speak it and when you read it in a book, you at least know what 75% of the vocabulary is already. So what if part of what you're slinging everyday is Mexican slang and not proper Spanish? It's already 75% or more of a head start than all of the rest of us have...not even counting the fact while we're all learning vocabulary, grammar, etc...all YOU have to focus on is the grammar and such because you've pretty much got the vocabulary down. Plus, you're immersed in your community of heritage speakers you get constant practice!

Throw MY ass into an English class with a bunch of students who...other than the random curse word, how to order a beer, ask where the bathroom is, or comment on how pickled cabbage my ugly chimpanzee is...don't speak a lick of the language and I guarantee you I'd never deny having an advantage and I'd eat that shit UP. I'd be slingin' words like nobody's business and have the rest of the class at my feet in awe! "Oh, look really good down there on your knees, but it really isn't necessary!" *throw in a few Pope/Miss America waves at the crowd here* But NOOOOO, that is not accepted, nor even offered. And, why in the hell do I need to learn a foreign language anyway? I'm of the belief that if you make your permanent residence in America, you should speak English, bitches! And it's not like I'm going to Spain or Mexico after I graduate to teach History THERE. Lord knows, those kids wouldn't understand half of what I was saying to them, except maybe...

"The Spanish Armada enforced many bananas upon the Eastern world for wearing leotards and eating poon on Saturday." Even then, it wouldn't sound nearly as glamorous as I make it out to sound here and would only be partially true (everybody knows men west of Samoa and east of say, Germany, don't eat poon). Hasta luego, puta madre!

April 22, 2009

Dorkiness: Chapter 2

OK, so I'm writing this in (somewhat) pink simply because this part of my dorkiness has sometimes been confused with gayness. I personally think stereotyping of ANY kind is wrong, and that includes thinking that only gay men appreciate fashion and/or cinema and/or cooking and/or appreciating that Vin Diesel is just a good-looking specimen and/or that Keifer Sutherland is a bad-ass. LOL I also include the words "bitches," "loquacious," and "fabulous" into my normal vocabulary and still, somehow, maintain my heterosexuality. It's amazing!

Anyway, I'm super excited about the fact that Project Runway will finally be aired on Lifetime! After much battling and bickering among networks, and probably lots of metaphorical bitch-slapping behind closed doors, it will premiere on August 20. Yay! Of course, my mind immediately wonders...WTF?! Why do we have to wait so long for it? Bravo never cared when they started a show. They'll run show after show, each premiering right after the other, and it doesn't matter that it's the standard new "season" period or not. Oh least Bravo's going to run their version of it (The Fashion Show) before then and that ought to tide me over quite nicely.

I am also crazy about Top Chef, Millionaire Matchmaker, Flipping Out, LA Ink and just about any other Bravo show you can name. Oh, and anything with Gordon Ramsay in it and/or on BBC America. Yes, my DVR stays full and no, I don't think I ever get caught up completely. Maybe that will change once I finish my degree in December...but I doubt it.

April 20, 2009


OK, so a little while back I posted a blog about the Steady State and Big Bang theories...and how they related to each other, whatever. My wife's brother sent me this link the other day that doesn't really fit into that but it IS about the Universe, and its size, something I'm a total dork about...obviously. I don't even think he reads my blog, he just recognizes my dorkiness and feeds it from time to time. For this, I thank you Matthew!

Anyway, I've tried explaining this to people...Virginia being one...and for many people, it's very hard to wrap our mind around the true scope of the universe. The magnitude is just almost unreal, truly. I admit it gives even a dork like me a headache to think about at times. LOL Of course, that's probably just when I try to think too hard/much. It's also why it always amazes me that people honestly think we are the only intelligent life out there...or those, such as the 18 or 19 or 20 (however many she's spit out at the time of this writing) kids and counting idiots who still believe the world is only 6,000 years old simply because they think "the Bible says so!"

Click on the link to feel really, REALLY small in this world.

April 17, 2009

Priorities yesterday I left work and was driving to class. Yay to me for almost being done! Of course, it's taken me like 20 years since high school to finally get a college degree but that's beside the point. I have the Army as an excuse for a great number of those years, anyway. I digress further...

I'm humming along, jamming on a new band I just recently found and smoking a cigarette...had the window down and man, it was gorgeous out! I pull up to a red light in the turn lane behind this Grand Marquis, which wasn't too old and looked pretty nice. I could certainly hear the thumpety-thump-thump (and rattle, rattle, rattle that so often accompanies amateur install jobs) that was eminating from the trunk area. Paying closer attention, I notice that the trunk is TAPED shut. There is layer after layer of clear tape caked over the seam of the trunk and the wheel wells on either side, with the bottom layers obviously weathering and fraying at the ends. Looked like the owner just slapped another layer or two on top of the old ones when they got bad.

Paying even closer attention to the details, which I am really good at by the way, I notice the trunk was obviously jimmied open with a pry bar or crow bar or something of that nature. Now, being of a reasoning mind and hearing the obviously loud stereo coming from within, I came to the very logical conclusion that this owner had been burglarized at some point in the past for what was more than likely...his OLD stereo. As I thought about this, I became a little upset. Why, do you ask? Hell, I don't even know really...but this was my thinking on it:

This person obviously had their stereo ripped off or at least their car was severely damaged as someone TRIED to steal it (to be fair, I guess the owner could have done it himself, if he really needed in the trunk and for whatever reason, could not figure out how to do it in an easier fashion)...and this person, whether through insurance or their own means, decided it best to replace the stereo and NOT fix their car. And, then I thought...maybe they live in THAT bad of an area that they realize fixing the trunk will not matter anyway. Someone will steal it again, so they might as well just leave it more accessible.

Hmmmm...I don't know for sure, but I just think some priorities are all out of whack in this world. I would think fixing your car, so you don't turn an otherwise very nice ride into something more along the lines of a "white trash" or "hood rat" vehicle, would take precedence over making sure you could out-blast all of your unknown neighbors at the stop light. It makes me think of a loser step-dad I had (yes, I've had multiple) who would spend our last $20 on a bag of weed, when our pantry was down to beans and, well...beans. I just don't get some people. My wife says I'm just becoming a crotchety old man. She's probably right.

April 6, 2009

No Prescription Needed...

Alright...I'm really getting sick and tired of spam. My hotmail, which I've had for years and along with my phone number has been just about the most stable thing in my life, is getting more and more flooded with crap. I can't get rid of the email...I mean, if I had any long-lost Army buddies or some old stripper/hooker I once knew that needed to reach me for some reason...this would be the place. And, do you know what the majority of it is?

You guessed it...I only pay attention to the subject lines, but they go a little something like this: "Cialis rehabilitates your manhood" or "SUSPECT: Secure Viagra for you" or "Pound her like a jackhammer tonight!" And they're from morons with HORRIBLE names, such as zybdwud at or from Romeo Lover or something else that must have gotten their asses beaten in middle school. In fact, that's probably why they do what they do get back at all of the "cool" kids that used to kick their tail for being called "Zybdwud." Come on, I have Nigerian friends who aren't named that badly!

If I leave my hotmail alone for more than a day...I'll have like 150 emails in there. Problem is, I can't just empty the bin because I DO occasionally get legitimate stuff in there. Like the personal letter I got from Columbia House DVD about how much they missed me and wanted me back. (Sorry bitches!) Or the invite from the good folks at craigslist who want to make sure I'm happy in my life by offering me a work-from-home job making apparently...a LOT of fuckin' money! It always surprises me that they still need to recruit with some of these salaries. Oh well...some people just like being poor, I guess.

Anyway, I wondered if it was just me...or if women get these messages too? Do these people just assume by the title of my email address that I MUST be a man and therefore, need some sort of help in the "down-below" area? (I don't, of course...just saying!) Do women get emails for viagra, cialis, or rogaine? Or, are theirs more like this: "Want to tame your man in bed?" or "Learn how to make him do dishes" or "Never yearn for an orgasm again!" I'm really upset by this...I need help.

Wait...that didn't sound good. Never mind. I just wanna know if I'm an island over here. And, how do I let these guys/girls (who knows what gender "Zybdwud" is?) down easily without hurting their feelings? I'm not a jerk, after all. Thanks for your help.

April 2, 2009

Last Meals

My brother-in-law sent this link that he had found...basically, it shows what the final meal requests were for Texas' death-row inmates. I think you will find it, just as I did, somewhat interesting. For the most part, these men and women (who said Texas discriminated against women?) ate a LOT. I mean, I guess I can understand why I would request a lot of food but it got me to thinking, harder than I really should have, about why each one picked what they did. Honestly, I just thought about this whole subject WAY too much, as you're about to find out. Ha!

Some inmates didn't want anything and others just wanted what "the rest of the inmates are having" or "whatever is on the menu." That sounds really diplomatic and on one hand, I applaud them for not milking the taxpayers for anything extra...but then I think, "DUDE! They are about to implode your heart with medications, the least you should get out of it is a good dinner." I digress...

Those that didn't want anything, do you think it's because they really weren't very hungry or that maybe they didn't have much of an appetite, considering the circumstances? I wondered if I would have an appetite in their shoes and determined...anyone who knows me, knows I rarely do NOT have an appetite, so I'd probably want anything and everything I could think of and all of it covered in gravy with a side-stick of butter.

***Side-note: I'd also request, like many of them, a pack or so of cigarettes because a smoke is never as good as right after you stuff yourself full of food and right before you lay down to sleep...kinda kills two birds with one stone, don't ya think? What really would piss me off (and made me feel BAD for even these capital offenders) would be to find out, like they all did, that smokes are against policy and they couldn't have even one, much less a pack. Come ON! Again, the least they could do is take you out on the roof one last time and let you enjoy a cigarette under the stars/sun/whatever. I don't know...just seems like they could bend the rules for a final request, is all. Plus, they get to see the wonderful "outside" world that they pissed away in one instant however long ago...really rub their noses in it too. The guard who takes them out there could whip out pictures of some hot chick and talk about how he's going to go bang the hell out of her tonight and drink a 6-pack of beer to try and get rid of that "dead" smell that will linger in his nose for hours later on.***

So, is this what some of these other guys were thinking too? To order as much as possible so they could have a taste of many different "favorites" before passing on? Or, were they just hoping to order enough that it might somehow prolong the inevitable? LOL I mean, some of these guys ordered whole fried chickens, 4 pork chops smothered in gravy, two bacon cheeseburgers with all the fixin's, a gallon of milk, a 12-pack of sodas and an apple pie on the side, for pete's sake! Some even more than that, it seems because they also added all of the sides to that, like a tray of fries or two cobs of buttered corn or a pound of cheese. I can eat a whole heckuva lot of food when I'm hungry but even I can't eat all of that crap. And if you happen to follow the link I leave, notice how much of it is junk or fried. Maybe they were hoping their heart would EXPLODE before the Texas Department of Criminal Justice got ahold of their ass! Who knows, really?

Oh yeah...and for further "entertainment," you can also check out each of their crimes. Some of them did some truly heinous acts, which is the reason for my little side jaunt previously.


February 20, 2009

Headed to Arkansas

We've been kicking around the thought of driving up to Arkansas, so I can visit some family, for quite some time now and now we're finally going to just do it! My mom hasn't met J yet and only saw E one time, when he was only about 4 months old...hell, my Granny has yet to meet EITHER of them and neither have my brothers.

**Speaking of brothers, I just hope they're not all doped-up and running the roads the whole time we're there. I'd like to actually see them this time. They're adults and yes, they control what they do and how they live their lives...doesn't mean I don't still worry about them OR that I have to agree with it. I certainly cannot cast stones, I did plenty of my own partying in the past. I just hope, like me, it's a phase they get through safely.

I, we've made the reservations for the hotel and car rental (renting so we don't use wear and tear on our OWN cars). We'll be driving up on March 12th, after I get out of class, and driving through the night. We are hopeful that this allows the boys to basically sleep the whole trip away, which will make our lives MUCH easier. We'll drive back on Sunday afternoon or so. Basically, just a couple of days...but honestly, other than my brothers, mom, Granny, and my dads (the father and the dad who raised me)...I don't really care who I see, so it should be plenty of time. I will see a few old friends, yes, so that will be good too. My point is, all I need of Arkansas can be handled in a couple/few days. Anymore than that, and I get VERY bored with it and yearn for my city-life back. Besides, it seems everyone up there seems to be meth-ed out and I don't like being around it. I CERTAINLY don't want to expose my children to that mess before their due time. Seriously though, when you can walk into a Wal-Mart at 3:30am and it's half-packed with bug-eyed people, wearing cut-off shorts and muscle-T's and still sweating when it's 35 degrees've got a problem. Just the fact Wally World is PACKED at that hour is a problem, never mind the distinct aroma of drugs sweating out.

I've already taken that Friday and the following Monday off work...Monday will be a recovery day, if there IS such a thing. Hard to say with two under the age of 2, but we do alright. My Virginia is amazing, with what she deals with and handles on a daily basis. I'm actually GLAD I get to come to work everyday for a few hours. Anyway, I guess that's it for now. More sooner than this post took, I promise...

January 15, 2009


Now...I wrote this back on February 20, 2008 and posted it awhile back on MySpace but thought I'd re-post it here, after reading it today. Just kinda made me sad all over again, I guess.

Well…my Mom just called to let me know Randy Railey passed away today. Randy was one of my Mom’s oldest, and dearest, friends having been married to my Mom’s OLDEST friend, Marsha, for God knows how long. I can remember being like 7 or 8 and going to visit them, if that gives you any indication. Today was his 56th birthday too. His kidneys had shut down and he was jaundiced really bad too…they initially were going to take him off of life support tomorrow, but his daughters decided to do it today as their last gift to him. He would have wanted and appreciated that because he was always a very no-nonsense kind of guy. He pretty much attacked life head on and would have wanted to attack life-after the same way. He told you how it was, or at least how HE saw it, even if it wasn’t what you wanted to hear…at least you would always get the truth and what you needed to hear. I was surprised by how sad it made me to hear about it…I knew their plans and knew it would happen today, but it still struck me deeper than I had imagined or prepared for.

Randy was always very good to me. When I was young, he never treated me like a “kid” so much as others did…he talked to me straight up and in the eye, which has always earned my respect from others. When I enlisted in the US Army, I don’t think anyone was any more proud of me than he was, save for my Mom and my Granny. He taught me a lot in the time between signing into the DEP and actually shipping off to boot camp. He had gone to military schools growing up and knew the inner workings of such things. He taught me how to keep moving forward full-force but never standing out too much…in basic that can get your head cleared in a hurry. LOL He taught me that if I truly wanted the most out of the military, volunteer for everything (such as schools) I could, that’s pretty much what I did, and yes…I got the most out of it. He taught me how to break down an M16 and a 9mm before I ever got to Ft. Jackson or Ft. Bragg for training. He also taught me how to march properly, stand at attention, parade rest, turn, and about-face long before ever having to actually do it for a DS. It was immensely helpful to me and I always loved him for it because he obviously cared enough for me to devote so much of his own time to help me.

Randy loved his beer and hell…he’d smoke a little grass every so often too…but that doesn’t change or affect the person he was. I wish I could have told him thank you just one last time. It would have meant something to me to know he really did understand it. So, I am left with saying it here…thank you, Randy. You will be missed.

January 12, 2009

Steady State vs. Big Bang

I have an ex brother-in-law, who we'll just call John, who told me years ago that he didn't believe in God and seemed very passionate about it. Now, this isn't all THAT unusual really but a main argument for his reasoning of such has recently entered my mind, as more of my dork tendencies emerge and I study space and the Physics of such a little more. Here's the general argument he had:

He didn't believe in God for a number of reasons but his solid "clencher" argument...the one he thought "proved" his way of thinking...was based on Physics and the universe. He claimed that the universe was infinite, with no beginning and no end, therefore there could BE no creation. Basically that, "In the beginning..." wasn't possible in infinity because there WAS no beginning. Seems pretty logical and straight-forward, I guess. I didn't argue with him at the time, for several reasons I won't go into here, but just stowed that information in the back of my mind and left it there to either fester or decompose like so many other bits of info/memory.

Fast forward to present-day, with me watching "The Universe" on History Channel and thoroughly sewing my wild dork-oats and loving every single episode of it. I find that John apparently subscribed to Fred Hoyle's Steady State theory of the says that the universe has always existed and that it is infinite, ever-expanding, but that the expansion somehow creates new matter in the form of Hydrogen in order to maintain its relative density and so forth. Now, while this theory may prove to be correct in some future time...and with much more considerable evidence to de-bunk the Big Bang model...for now, VERY few physicists even support this model anymore.

Why, might you ask? Well, basically because with the discovery of cosmic microwave background radiation, it adds further very strong evidence to support the primordial atom and the Big Bang and pretty much overnight, debunked the Steady State theory completely. This radiation, you see, is leftover remnants from that massive explosion some 13.7 billion years ago. The universe has a beginning and will eventually have an end, as well. At least, all the known information we have been able to acquire to this date with our technology supports this fact. Makes logical sense...if the universe is ever-expanding, which we have proven that it IS, then it was a little bit smaller yesterday than it is today...a little smaller than that the day before and the day before and the day.........well, you can see where this is going. Eventually, you would get back to a starting point.

Very interesting how physics, and the study of our universe, has worked out. People such as Copernicus and Galileo, mostly Galileo, were criticized by the Catholic church for adhering to their beliefs...Galileo actually lived out his days under house arrest in Italy and was not allowed to speak or publish any more of his findings because they believed his findings were heresy and went against the literal meaning of the Scripture. Travel along the natural progression of studies and theories to present-day...and you find that there actually IS a beginning to the universe, a "creation," if you will. In fact, the modern-day father/proposer of the Big Bang theory was actually a Belgian Catholic priest and professor of physics and astronomy at a Catholic university.

Now...this post isn't meant to be religious and I'm in no way trying to direct my own personal beliefs by using science. I am actually, in many ways, much more scientific in my thoughts and beliefs than I am faith-based...I just thought it was interesting stuff, somewhat funny how science progresses and works, and more importantly, thought it was kinda cool to deflate John's argument (if only to myself) these many years later. ***By the way...if John happens across this blog someday, this cosmic radiation was discovered way back in 1964, so while he may be quite brilliant in many ways, he's a bit behind the 8-ball. John might want to grab an updated version of his Physical Science textbook. I'm just saying...

January 7, 2009

Where are the police?!, Virginia and I are driving through downtown Houston the other day, right? I don't recall what we were doing or where we were going/coming from...that's really irrelevant. I'm driving and stopped at a red light, waiting to turn right, when V notices an older lady driving a little Chevy S-10 attempting to parallel park just ahead of us at the corner. Well, the parking area there was a little inset space (inset into the sidewalk, so that it's off the main street)...large enough to hold about 3 vehicles and do so with room to maneuver.

Well, there was only one other vehicle already parked there and it was parked at the very rear of the inset. This lady was obviously having a difficult time, because she was clutching her steering wheel as if it were the last loaf of bread and government cheese the Depression-era ever handed out and whipping her head to and fro in an attempt to see what she was doing, but looking more like she was being slapped around by the Invisible Man. She also could not steer or maneuver in any recognizable manner whatsoever. She had pulled all the way onto the curb at the HEAD of the inset before making her retraction into the large empty area behind her and in front of the other car. She started backing up but for some reason turned her wheel in the opposite direction so that the tail of her truck began poking out even more into the street.

*I must point out, that by this time the light had turned green and we pulled forward, made our right turn, and then parked right there so that we could watch this spectacle.

Anyway, she obviously didn't see this or for that matter...ANYTHING...because she backed right into the car that was parked there. This didn't serve as a deterrent to the woman, however, and she shifted gears and pulled forward (and back onto the front curb, I might add). Reversing yet again, she begins the slow and agonizing journey back the 50 or so feet she had to work with until she felt comfortable with her position. By the way, she was only comfortable with her position after no LESS than three forward and reverse maneuvers similar to the first one. Of course, looking back at her from where we were...we could see her truck head-on and it was still as crooked as the Joker from the new Batman movie, let me tell ya. But, in her defense, she did NOT hit the car again. We sat there for a minute longer, as she got out of her truck and walked into the building in front of her...never even giving a glance to the car she had hit. We were amazed.

V turns to me and says, "Should we report this?" I confirmed that we should try, at least, because it was obvious the lady was not planning to take action and/or responsibility for hitting the car. Besides, I thought, if she gets a ticket maybe it will make her (or her family) think twice about driving was obvious she didn't have any business on the streets. We looked around all four corners where we were and nothing. Virginia takes out a pad and writes the license plate number and description of the vehicle as I get out and survey for police officers. Now, this is DOWNTOWN Houston...and ANY other time, we would see no less than two or three cops. There would be one or two in a car parked at the corner ahead of us, or there would be an equine officer riding down the sidewalk behind us, something! Nope...nothing. We got back in the car and drove off, now just a block or two from our building and entrance to the underground garage. There is ALWAYS a cop at the block just beyond this, because there is a little "dollar" convenience store and there are always beggars and/or homeless hanging out there. Was there a police officer there THIS time...of course not.

All I can say pissed me off. LOL More than the lady backing into the car and ignoring it. More than 75% of Houston drivers who act like a little rain falling from the sky is the 3rd sign of the Apocalypse and therefore have to slow down to no faster than 15 mph on the freeway, so they can stick their head on their dash and look towards the heavens. Even more than the homeless man who begged me for money, but when I handed him a WHOLE Subway sandwich he cussed me and told me he didn't want my damn sandwich..."I don't want your damn food...I asked you for change!" were his exact words. Yes, it really made me mad. Had I turned without flashing my blinker, or had I honked at the driver ahead of me in road rage, there would have been a cop there to either pull me over or look at me sternly as if I were a nuisance to his quiet time...but this one time when we actually WANTED a police officer, none could be found. Figures.