April 29, 2009

Urkel and the Pursuit of Rubik

So, I came into work a couple of weeks ago and we had a new guy at the front desk. He seems like a really great guy, well-mannered, well-dressed, and always friendly. He just had a new baby girl too, so he is putting on a good front...I know from experience the boy is wore out! Anyway, there's just something about him that is absolutely STRANGE. First of all, he carries a backpack with him and THIS is always in a side pocket of it:

No big deal, you say? I think it's just weird. Have these things made a comeback at some point since they were all the rage back in the early 80's? And, I've seen him working it on his breaks too...who the hell takes a break to try and solve a Rubik's Cube? Maybe he just saw "Pursuit of Happyness" and thought it'd be cool to make a good impression on the bosses or something. They aren't watching though, so he could totally peel the stickers off or break it apart and put them all back together in the proper place and no one would ever figure out that he cheated! Moron...

Another thing is he is the most non-ethnic black guy I've met since Artimus, back in the day...the "day" being the Army. Art spent his Friday and Saturday nights at a Techno club dancing with about as much rhythm as Vince Vaughn on acid. I'm assuming that would be quite hilarious to watch, actually...and so was Art when he was dancing. Last time I heard from him, he was in Japan teaching English to 8th-9th grade Japanese girls. I digress a lot, don't I?

Anyway, I can totally imagine this dude hanging out with Art and both of them talking in a perfect "white" voice like you hear just about ANY decent black comedian imitate. "Hey there, guy! How are you this fine evening?" That sort of thing...nothing wrong with it, it's just different and well, STRANGE. When I stop by to introduce myself to someone and/or meet them, I'm not expecting to hear from Steve Urkel. That's with ANYONE but especially not from a black guy...that's what made Urkel's character so damn funny in the first place.

This guy's also one of those that seems overly nosey. He'll walk by my office while I'm eating lunch, stop to stick his head in, and ask me what I'm eating. I'm eating raw monkey brains, man...what do you care? Or, he stopped me as I came in one morning because he wanted to know what book I was carrying and what it was about. I guess you could say he's just being nice or friendly or some shit...but what's this world coming to when co-workers want to be nice to you?!

April 24, 2009


You know...I've got some Spanish-speaking friends who actually have had to TAKE Spanish courses for credit in college. Some speak quite fluently but almost all of them need to hone up on their skills in the reading and writing department...seems those little, fucking accents and silent letters annoy the shit out of more people than just mi. However, I DO think it is a bit unfair. I mean, to get a History degree, or any OTHER degree in the liberal arts it seems, you have to have two sophomore-level language courses. ¡Lechón del polla!

Well, why the hell don't they offer me English? Sure, there are English courses...an entire college department with the title ENGLISH right across the damn buildings and their own link on the school website. But, seems like there are no plain old "English" courses available beyond say, the 9th grade of high school. Most people I know, myself at the forefront of this group, don't even know how to diagram a sentence in my own fucking language, much less do so in someone ELSE'S language. So, why not offer English to those of us who need it/want it/or would just really like a somewhat easy pass (A's) through the requirement.

My friends tell me, "Oh, it's hard for US to take the Spanish course too!" I call bullshit. Come on, you can speak it and when you read it in a book, you at least know what 75% of the vocabulary is already. So what if part of what you're slinging everyday is Mexican slang and not proper Spanish? It's already 75% or more of a head start than all of the rest of us have...not even counting the fact while we're all learning vocabulary, grammar, etc...all YOU have to focus on is the grammar and such because you've pretty much got the vocabulary down. Plus, you're immersed in your community of heritage speakers too...so you get constant practice!

Throw MY ass into an English class with a bunch of students who...other than the random curse word, how to order a beer, ask where the bathroom is, or comment on how pickled cabbage my ugly chimpanzee is...don't speak a lick of the language and I guarantee you I'd never deny having an advantage and I'd eat that shit UP. I'd be slingin' words like nobody's business and have the rest of the class at my feet in awe! "Oh, sweetie...you look really good down there on your knees, but it really isn't necessary!" *throw in a few Pope/Miss America waves at the crowd here* But NOOOOO, that is not accepted, nor even offered. And, why in the hell do I need to learn a foreign language anyway? I'm of the belief that if you make your permanent residence in America, you should speak English, bitches! And it's not like I'm going to Spain or Mexico after I graduate to teach History THERE. Lord knows, those kids wouldn't understand half of what I was saying to them, except maybe...

"The Spanish Armada enforced many bananas upon the Eastern world for wearing leotards and eating poon on Saturday." Even then, it wouldn't sound nearly as glamorous as I make it out to sound here and would only be partially true (everybody knows men west of Samoa and east of say, Germany, don't eat poon). Hasta luego, puta madre!

April 22, 2009

Dorkiness: Chapter 2

OK, so I'm writing this in (somewhat) pink simply because this part of my dorkiness has sometimes been confused with gayness. I personally think stereotyping of ANY kind is wrong, and that includes thinking that only gay men appreciate fashion and/or cinema and/or cooking and/or appreciating that Vin Diesel is just a good-looking specimen and/or that Keifer Sutherland is a bad-ass. LOL I also include the words "bitches," "loquacious," and "fabulous" into my normal vocabulary and still, somehow, maintain my heterosexuality. It's amazing!

Anyway, I'm super excited about the fact that Project Runway will finally be aired on Lifetime! After much battling and bickering among networks, and probably lots of metaphorical bitch-slapping behind closed doors, it will premiere on August 20. Yay! Of course, my mind immediately wonders...WTF?! Why do we have to wait so long for it? Bravo never cared when they started a show. They'll run show after show, each premiering right after the other, and it doesn't matter that it's the standard new "season" period or not. Oh well...at least Bravo's going to run their version of it (The Fashion Show) before then and that ought to tide me over quite nicely.

I am also crazy about Top Chef, Millionaire Matchmaker, Flipping Out, LA Ink and just about any other Bravo show you can name. Oh, and anything with Gordon Ramsay in it and/or on BBC America. Yes, my DVR stays full and no, I don't think I ever get caught up completely. Maybe that will change once I finish my degree in December...but I doubt it.

April 20, 2009


OK, so a little while back I posted a blog about the Steady State and Big Bang theories...and how they related to each other, whatever. My wife's brother sent me this link the other day that doesn't really fit into that but it IS about the Universe, and its size, something I'm a total dork about...obviously. I don't even think he reads my blog, he just recognizes my dorkiness and feeds it from time to time. For this, I thank you Matthew!

Anyway, I've tried explaining this to people...Virginia being one...and for many people, it's very hard to wrap our mind around the true scope of the universe. The magnitude is just almost unreal, truly. I admit it gives even a dork like me a headache to think about at times. LOL Of course, that's probably just when I try to think too hard/much. It's also why it always amazes me that people honestly think we are the only intelligent life out there...or those, such as the 18 or 19 or 20 (however many she's spit out at the time of this writing) kids and counting idiots who still believe the world is only 6,000 years old simply because they think "the Bible says so!"


Click on the link to feel really, REALLY small in this world.

April 17, 2009


OK...so yesterday I left work and was driving to class. Yay to me for almost being done! Of course, it's taken me like 20 years since high school to finally get a college degree but that's beside the point. I have the Army as an excuse for a great number of those years, anyway. I digress further...

I'm humming along, jamming on a new band I just recently found and smoking a cigarette...had the window down and man, it was gorgeous out! I pull up to a red light in the turn lane behind this Grand Marquis, which wasn't too old and looked pretty nice. I could certainly hear the thumpety-thump-thump (and rattle, rattle, rattle that so often accompanies amateur install jobs) that was eminating from the trunk area. Paying closer attention, I notice that the trunk is TAPED shut. There is layer after layer of clear tape caked over the seam of the trunk and the wheel wells on either side, with the bottom layers obviously weathering and fraying at the ends. Looked like the owner just slapped another layer or two on top of the old ones when they got bad.

Paying even closer attention to the details, which I am really good at by the way, I notice the trunk was obviously jimmied open with a pry bar or crow bar or something of that nature. Now, being of a reasoning mind and hearing the obviously loud stereo coming from within, I came to the very logical conclusion that this owner had been burglarized at some point in the past for what was more than likely...his OLD stereo. As I thought about this, I became a little upset. Why, do you ask? Hell, I don't even know really...but this was my thinking on it:

This person obviously had their stereo ripped off or at least their car was severely damaged as someone TRIED to steal it (to be fair, I guess the owner could have done it himself, if he really needed in the trunk and for whatever reason, could not figure out how to do it in an easier fashion)...and this person, whether through insurance or their own means, decided it best to replace the stereo and NOT fix their car. And, then I thought...maybe they live in THAT bad of an area that they realize fixing the trunk will not matter anyway. Someone will steal it again, so they might as well just leave it more accessible.

Hmmmm...I don't know for sure, but I just think some priorities are all out of whack in this world. I would think fixing your car, so you don't turn an otherwise very nice ride into something more along the lines of a "white trash" or "hood rat" vehicle, would take precedence over making sure you could out-blast all of your unknown neighbors at the stop light. It makes me think of a loser step-dad I had (yes, I've had multiple) who would spend our last $20 on a bag of weed, when our pantry was down to beans and, well...beans. I just don't get some people. My wife says I'm just becoming a crotchety old man. She's probably right.

April 6, 2009

No Prescription Needed...

Alright...I'm really getting sick and tired of spam. My hotmail, which I've had for years and along with my phone number has been just about the most stable thing in my life, is getting more and more flooded with crap. I can't get rid of the email...I mean, if I had any long-lost Army buddies or some old stripper/hooker I once knew that needed to reach me for some reason...this would be the place. And, do you know what the majority of it is?

You guessed it...I only pay attention to the subject lines, but they go a little something like this: "Cialis rehabilitates your manhood" or "SUSPECT: Secure Viagra for you" or "Pound her like a jackhammer tonight!" And they're from morons with HORRIBLE names, such as zybdwud at earthlink.com or from Romeo Lover or something else that must have gotten their asses beaten in middle school. In fact, that's probably why they do what they do now...to get back at all of the "cool" kids that used to kick their tail for being called "Zybdwud." Come on, I have Nigerian friends who aren't named that badly!

If I leave my hotmail alone for more than a day...I'll have like 150 emails in there. Problem is, I can't just empty the bin because I DO occasionally get legitimate stuff in there. Like the personal letter I got from Columbia House DVD about how much they missed me and wanted me back. (Sorry bitches!) Or the invite from the good folks at craigslist who want to make sure I'm happy in my life by offering me a work-from-home job making apparently...a LOT of fuckin' money! It always surprises me that they still need to recruit with some of these salaries. Oh well...some people just like being poor, I guess.

Anyway, I wondered if it was just me...or if women get these messages too? Do these people just assume by the title of my email address that I MUST be a man and therefore, need some sort of help in the "down-below" area? (I don't, of course...just saying!) Do women get emails for viagra, cialis, or rogaine? Or, are theirs more like this: "Want to tame your man in bed?" or "Learn how to make him do dishes" or "Never yearn for an orgasm again!" I'm really upset by this...I need help.

Wait...that didn't sound good. Never mind. I just wanna know if I'm an island over here. And, how do I let these guys/girls (who knows what gender "Zybdwud" is?) down easily without hurting their feelings? I'm not a jerk, after all. Thanks for your help.

April 2, 2009

Last Meals

My brother-in-law sent this link that he had found...basically, it shows what the final meal requests were for Texas' death-row inmates. I think you will find it, just as I did, somewhat interesting. For the most part, these men and women (who said Texas discriminated against women?) ate a LOT. I mean, I guess I can understand why I would request a lot of food but it got me to thinking, harder than I really should have, about why each one picked what they did. Honestly, I just thought about this whole subject WAY too much, as you're about to find out. Ha!

Some inmates didn't want anything and others just wanted what "the rest of the inmates are having" or "whatever is on the menu." That sounds really diplomatic and on one hand, I applaud them for not milking the taxpayers for anything extra...but then I think, "DUDE! They are about to implode your heart with medications, the least you should get out of it is a good dinner." I digress...

Those that didn't want anything, do you think it's because they really weren't very hungry or that maybe they didn't have much of an appetite, considering the circumstances? I wondered if I would have an appetite in their shoes and determined...anyone who knows me, knows I rarely do NOT have an appetite, so I'd probably want anything and everything I could think of and all of it covered in gravy with a side-stick of butter.

***Side-note: I'd also request, like many of them, a pack or so of cigarettes because a smoke is never as good as right after you stuff yourself full of food and right before you lay down to sleep...kinda kills two birds with one stone, don't ya think? What really would piss me off (and made me feel BAD for even these capital offenders) would be to find out, like they all did, that smokes are against policy and they couldn't have even one, much less a pack. Come ON! Again, the least they could do is take you out on the roof one last time and let you enjoy a cigarette under the stars/sun/whatever. I don't know...just seems like they could bend the rules for a final request, is all. Plus, they get to see the wonderful "outside" world that they pissed away in one instant however long ago...really rub their noses in it too. The guard who takes them out there could whip out pictures of some hot chick and talk about how he's going to go bang the hell out of her tonight and drink a 6-pack of beer to try and get rid of that "dead" smell that will linger in his nose for hours later on.***

So, is this what some of these other guys were thinking too? To order as much as possible so they could have a taste of many different "favorites" before passing on? Or, were they just hoping to order enough that it might somehow prolong the inevitable? LOL I mean, some of these guys ordered whole fried chickens, 4 pork chops smothered in gravy, two bacon cheeseburgers with all the fixin's, a gallon of milk, a 12-pack of sodas and an apple pie on the side, for pete's sake! Some even more than that, it seems because they also added all of the sides to that, like a tray of fries or two cobs of buttered corn or a pound of cheese. I can eat a whole heckuva lot of food when I'm hungry but even I can't eat all of that crap. And if you happen to follow the link I leave, notice how much of it is junk or fried. Maybe they were hoping their heart would EXPLODE before the Texas Department of Criminal Justice got ahold of their ass! Who knows, really?

Oh yeah...and for further "entertainment," you can also check out each of their crimes. Some of them did some truly heinous acts, which is the reason for my little side jaunt previously.