Driving

I really can't say anything beyond this...

It absolutely amazes me that some people have survived to live this long driving the way they do. I mean, if NOT for the driving itself...just for being as stupid as I am convinced Houston drivers are. Talk about short bus.

Urkel and the Pursuit of Rubik

So, I came into work a couple of weeks ago and we had a new guy at the front desk. He seems like a really great guy, well-mannered, well-dressed, and always friendly. He just had a new baby girl too, so he is putting on a good front...I know from experience the boy is wore out! Anyway, there's just something about him that is absolutely STRANGE. First of all, he carries a backpack with him and THIS is always in a side pocket of it:

No big deal, you say? I think it's just weird. Have these things made a comeback at some point since they were all the rage back in the early 80's? And, I've seen him working it on his breaks too...who the hell takes a break to try and solve a Rubik's Cube? Maybe he just saw "Pursuit of Happyness" and thought it'd be cool to make a good impression on the bosses or something. They aren't watching though, so he could totally peel the stickers off or break it apart and put them all back together in the proper place and no one would ever figure out that he cheated! Moron...

Another thing is he is the most non-ethnic black guy I've met since Artimus, back in the day...the "day" being the Army. Art spent his Friday and Saturday nights at a Techno club dancing with about as much rhythm as Vince Vaughn on acid. I'm assuming that would be quite hilarious to watch, actually...and so was Art when he was dancing. Last time I heard from him, he was in Japan teaching English to 8th-9th grade Japanese girls. I digress a lot, don't I?

Anyway, I can totally imagine this dude hanging out with Art and both of them talking in a perfect "white" voice like you hear just about ANY decent black comedian imitate. "Hey there, guy! How are you this fine evening?" That sort of thing...nothing wrong with it, it's just different and well, STRANGE. When I stop by to introduce myself to someone and/or meet them, I'm not expecting to hear from Steve Urkel. That's with ANYONE but especially not from a black guy...that's what made Urkel's character so damn funny in the first place.

This guy's also one of those that seems overly nosey. He'll walk by my office while I'm eating lunch, stop to stick his head in, and ask me what I'm eating. I'm eating raw monkey brains, man...what do you care? Or, he stopped me as I came in one morning because he wanted to know what book I was carrying and what it was about. I guess you could say he's just being nice or friendly or some shit...but what's this world coming to when co-workers want to be nice to you?!

Español

You know...I've got some Spanish-speaking friends who actually have had to TAKE Spanish courses for credit in college. Some speak quite fluently but almost all of them need to hone up on their skills in the reading and writing department...seems those little, fucking accents and silent letters annoy the shit out of more people than just mi. However, I DO think it is a bit unfair. I mean, to get a History degree, or any OTHER degree in the liberal arts it seems, you have to have two sophomore-level language courses. ¡Lechón del polla!

Well, why the hell don't they offer me English? Sure, there are English courses...an entire college department with the title ENGLISH right across the damn buildings and their own link on the school website. But, seems like there are no plain old "English" courses available beyond say, the 9th grade of high school. Most people I know, myself at the forefront of this group, don't even know how to diagram a sentence in my own fucking language, much less do so in someone ELSE'S language. So, why not offer English to those of us who need it/want it/or would just really like a somewhat easy pass (A's) through the requirement.

My friends tell me, "Oh, it's hard for US to take the Spanish course too!" I call bullshit. Come on, you can speak it and when you read it in a book, you at least know what 75% of the vocabulary is already. So what if part of what you're slinging everyday is Mexican slang and not proper Spanish? It's already 75% or more of a head start than all of the rest of us have...not even counting the fact while we're all learning vocabulary, grammar, etc...all YOU have to focus on is the grammar and such because you've pretty much got the vocabulary down. Plus, you're immersed in your community of heritage speakers too...so you get constant practice!

Throw MY ass into an English class with a bunch of students who...other than the random curse word, how to order a beer, ask where the bathroom is, or comment on how pickled cabbage my ugly chimpanzee is...don't speak a lick of the language and I guarantee you I'd never deny having an advantage and I'd eat that shit UP. I'd be slingin' words like nobody's business and have the rest of the class at my feet in awe! "Oh, sweetie...you look really good down there on your knees, but it really isn't necessary!" *throw in a few Pope/Miss America waves at the crowd here* But NOOOOO, that is not accepted, nor even offered. And, why in the hell do I need to learn a foreign language anyway? I'm of the belief that if you make your permanent residence in America, you should speak English, bitches! And it's not like I'm going to Spain or Mexico after I graduate to teach History THERE. Lord knows, those kids wouldn't understand half of what I was saying to them, except maybe...

"The Spanish Armada enforced many bananas upon the Eastern world for wearing leotards and eating poon on Saturday." Even then, it wouldn't sound nearly as glamorous as I make it out to sound here and would only be partially true (everybody knows men west of Samoa and east of say, Germany, don't eat poon). Hasta luego, puta madre!